OMG

news:
i was kind of sort of in the new york times which was epic!!!!!!  

oedipus meets DADT

i wrote this a month before the repeal of DADT, an I like it.

Walking into the recruitment center with my new hair, new clothes and new identity, was the scariest thing I’d ever done. My bright skinny jeans and band tee shirts were switched with hunting garb and heavy boots. My hair, once long and shaggy had been shaved into a clean and ironically generic crew cut. Hidden in my terror was hope though, of a better me, and a better country. So as I walked up to the 20-something year old man behind the Marine Corps table I didn’t act like the person I had been, a gay 17 year old boy stuck in the bible belt with parents who thought that who I was, wasn’t to be respected, but to be demolished. Instead I gave him a stoic smile and a firm handshake telling him my name was Buck and that it had been my dream since childhood to be in the Corps and help keep my country safe. I said it with such conviction that it almost didn’t seem like this was my fathers dream, and my mothers quick fix to change my sexuality. Or at least it was enough for the marine Corps man to give me a sign up sheet and direct me to a folding card table on which I was supposed to pledge my will to my country. As I walked towards the table my father squeezed my shoulder, and for the first time since 3^rd grade said “I’m proud of you, son.” My mother, as was her tendency sat wringing her hands and reciting hymns, for what I still don’t know.

            After the paperwork was done, I, along with 100 or so other boys was led into a gymnasium and given army dress. We were rushed from doctor to doctor, being checked and checked again for any form of mutation. In those hours I prayed, or at least hoped that I had a tumor or disability that had been hidden until, for once I could be saved by one of my many deformities. Perhaps, I thought, there was something that I couldn’t hide that would keep me from the clutches of death. But alas as far as the eye could see, I was perfect. So I was ushered back out to spend a final night in my hometown of Heflin. That was the last time I saw you. The last time I let myself be unguarded, and not be the poster child of gays in the military. Do you remember what we did that night? Because as I spent those lonely hours in the dark you were all I could think of. 

            After I said goodbye to my parents, friends and you, I was packed onto a bus and brought to Camp Lejeune in Jacksonville, Alabama to carry out my training. It didn’t take very long for the veneer of my imagined personality to disappear, but it wasn’t until I met General B. that I found myself showing my true colors. He used terms like fag, and dyke to describe anyone who couldn’t run the mile in less than five minutes. Anywhere else he would have been the crazy man you would have avoided, but at camp, he was god. Every time he called me a name my heart would drop, stomach sink and identity set in.

            At first I made small rebellions, my voice, which I had been repressing to a low monotone, regained its normal pitch. My hands, which had been firmly planted at my sides while I was speaking, once again started to move when I described anything. Every time General B would chastise me, my smile would return. Eventually I decided that my ‘toon deserved to know the truth about me. Most already knew that I had been sent by my parents, but most believed that drugs or alcohol had been the cause. At first I turned to my only friend, Remy, I figured that if anyone would have my back it would be him. As it turned out he didn’t. But I still had to honor myself, or at least the sexuality that I shared with so many like us.

            Revealing yourself as who you are to a group of close-minded killers, is exactly what it seems to be, near impossible. So instead of dramatically dressing in pink or writing gay on my forehead, I did something much simpler. On the memo board I wrote a letter addressed to the camp informing them on exactly who I was and what that meant for them. The letter looked formal so at first very few people noticed it. But after a week of individuals coming up to me and getting a solid explanation, I got what I had, in a way been waiting for. General B. called me into his office. He read me the letter and asked for explanation, if given the opportunity, I guarantee at that time I could have run the mile in just about three minutes, just so long as it was away from the general. But I stood there and explained just what the letter did. “I am gay.” I said all I got was a look of distaste. And then I said, “Thank you. You are the person who gave me the courage to stand up for who I am.” It was the most sincere gratitude I had ever given, but for General B. it was also the worst he had ever received.

            Word spread quickly about my identity. And my rendezvous with General B. it gained me a friend or two, but mostly the harshest enemies that I’ve ever known. It is no surprise to me that those boys did what they did or that their actions were given a blind eye. My murder was a hate crime. And I want you to know that, because you are the one true love that I have ever had.

~Buck

me.

so beloved reader, if you are there, i guess i should tell you a little bit about myself. there are as it turns out so many different sides of me that this is a very tricky subject, who i am, i often find myself telling my friends depends on who you are to me. but now the relationship has changed, in creating this blog i  have challenged myself to stand on my own, without another person. so lets see; who am I? i'm an art nerd, and a coffee drinker. i'm a horse-back-rider and a bass guitarist. i'm in love with david sedaris and a number of other contributers to This American Life and i love camping. i live in New York City every day i have school and the Port Jervis every day i don't. i am a little sister but am almost always percieved as older than i am. i grew up really fast but i am known for having a whimsicle side. i don't do drugs, won't sleep around and don't drink gratiutiously untill i have left my parents house. And...i don't know there is just so much more to me, but i guess you'll have to keep on reading to find out what ;)

the holiday's are over, i can make fun of christians again so....

this will most likely be my approach to christmas when i grow up :P 

just sayin'

did you know that a few of the other ancient civilazations/ religions calculated pi almost exactly the christians said it was 3 the phonicians i belive said it was 3.14 or so, but i guess ignorance festers :O

i'm sorry mr. invisible man in the sky, but if i haven't made it clear i just CAN'T belive in you or your alleged son.

GRRRRR

dear blank, 

i am not being pettie, it pisses me off that you sexualize me. i hate listening to you use gay-bashing language like fag and homo. when i didn't talk to you today i wasn't being dumb its not okay to treat people the way you do. and frankly blank i've met too many middle aged me who never learned that lesson so hopefully while i know i can change that about you, because it just annoys me. the thing is, you are actually a genuine person other than that, and if you were to treat me with the respect and dignity that i fervently believe then maybe we could be friends. then maybe you could joke about that type of thing every once in a while, but for now. it isn't cute, it isn't funny, it isn't acceptable and i refuse to condone it. 

Quotes that i enjoy

if a detroit muslim put a map up on the web w/ crosshairs on 20 pols then one of them got shot where would he be sitting right now? just asking.
-michael more
and
you know that one two many politicians got dropped on their heads a few too many times when we a a culture and a GOVERNMENT are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns then each others hands
-from my friend then adapeted by me

It Gets better

so Dan Savage [who i love] did this project called "it Gets Better". and it does, if you are out there struggling i promise that it gets better, you just have to hold on and wait for it to get great :D here is my favorite it gets better video though

I like this video

I really like this video. even though its not the type of alarmism i usaully enjoy :D

so i guess i am percived as older than i am, today i was walking around and some random middle aged guy asked me where the nearest club was, when i told him that i had no idea he asked if it was because i didn't live around the area. I used to be honored when stuff like this would happen, but now i'm not, it just annoys me, because when ever it is someone you will have to see again there is that akward moment when i have to inform people of my age which put a damper on things to say the least. but the thing is i DO act older than i am, i Dress older than i am, so i'm not completly clueless to why this is happening but i don't want to change who i am so that people see me as one thing that although it defines a very tangible part of my does not help to portray the part of myself that i am most proud of.